Acre. Care. e-Car. Race.

... or like a gujju would pronounce 'rash'.

Starring: Akshaye Khanna, Saif Ali Khan, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif, Anil Kapoor, Sameera Reddy, Johny Lever

Director: Abbas Mastan

Story:
This is a story of the relationship between two brothers and their 200 million dollars worth of insurance policies. Like Detective Robert D'costa (Anil Kapoor) says - where there is a huge money involved, accidents are bound to occur. One of the brothers is thrown off the roof just before the intermission and the detective investigates and unveils the truth behind the mystery.

Things that I remember:

• The 'taweez' on the arm of Anil Kapoor
• The clock intentionally showing 6:28 in the digital clock when Akshaye Khanna is waiting in the office
• 'Zaraa Zaraa' and Atif's rendition of 'Pehli Nazar' both of which are shameless rip-offs of a chinese and a korean song... even 'dum da dum da dum' in the vocals has been lifted
• Kapoor, w.r.t. a stick of sugarcane, "Gannaa khaoge? Waise toh isay chuste hai, magar 'chusoge?' aise pooch toh nahi sakta"
• Johny Lever playing his small but entertaining part where he narrates why mobile phone is better than a wife... i remember that more because my chuckle was followed by a phattack on the lap
• During the car race, I was wishing that both the cars would explode and everyone should die and it should finally end it all

Pros:

• All the actors are big stars during the release of the movie
• Everything is shot beautifully and stylishly
• The going on is highly unpredictable and the tempo is mostly kept up
• Abbas Mastan are doing what they do best - thriller mystery
• Great stunts and fresh action scenes

Cons:

• Too many twists to the tale; makes the audience feel exhausted; a bit too much effort is applied to make everything unpredictable
• 'Zaraa zaraa' and the title song are out of place, just like Anil Kapoor
• I find the the title of the blog more interesting

Recommended if:

• You liked Naqaab
• You have an appetite for chakris and jalebis

Moral of the story

"Fuck!! There are fucking millions of pounds involved. Don't you go around fucking with it. What the fuck do you think you guys are here for! Do you even fucking know how it should work?" This was the yelling that Ram would hear from Steve almost every morning.

The deadline was a day away and Steve, the paymaster, was yelling expletives at the placent technical leader, Ram. While the entire team stood in silence, it seemed unreal that Ram was holding his nerve in the face of a wealthy boss who throws 'fucks' into practically every thing that comes out of his mouth.

Nonchalantly Ram said - "You will get it by the agreed date." The silence prevailed even after Steve had left. Ram had been away from his country for the duration of the project. He had been the brain behind this technically complex and highly priced project. For the business, it was as big as a rocket launch is for NASA. As usual, Ram's team spent the evening and the next half of the day toiling at their desks, which was followed by the usual round of the User Acceptance Tests. By the end of the week, there were cheers all around and the work was proclaimed to be a success.

Ram sat at his desk and sent a mail to Steve.

Mr. Steve,
This is to inform you that with the success of the project, my role as the technical leader at your company is now complete. I am glad that this would mean the end of the 5 year period of your needless expletives. It gives me immense pleasure to note that the efforts of the team have borne fruit. I hope that you have noticed how it is important to fuck to create something beautiful.
You must have also noted that we skipped some of your suggestions and instructions over the period of time in order to finish what we had initially aimed for. The technicalities have always been our domain and were implemented with the usual finesse. The results are out there in the form of the happy users. Since it is the users that fuel your business, we have undoubtedly saved your day. So, do not teach your father to fuck.
Regards,
Ram

The war

Over the last couple of decades, companies involved in all forms of digital content are investing exponentially increasing amounts of money and efforts for the Digital Rights Management (DRM). Each of these efforts have resulted in solutions that followed months of engineering and the work arounds have ironically been quick, simple and downright free.

Reminds me the anecdote about NASA splurging millions of dollars to manufacture a pen for their astronauts that could write in conditions like underwater, zero-gravity, vacuum etc; while the Russians simply gave their astronauts a pencil!

To curb piracy, Sony launched a multi-million research-backed technology to protect a CD/ DVD from being copied. In the very next hour, a group published that the workaround is to simply mark the inner most ring on the CD with a black permanent marker because that is the part where the validation logic is stored.

A few years back the public (and their lawsuits) forced the DRM on audio CDs to be taken down. The audio companies realised that they were wasting too much money and time on something that is merely a puzzle game for the crackers/ hackers out there. There is a constant race between the various hacking groups for releasing the hack.

Undeterred by all this, Microsoft regularly tries to push out OS updates to identify pirated Windows. They have every right to protect their income! Their previous attempt at locking out a Windows XP had a disastrous effect on some of the customised/ OEM copies of the OS. There were reports of computers left unusable after the update was applied. Recently, MS released another 'Windows Genuine Advantage' (WGA) update for Vista that when installed checks for the installed OS being legitimate. By definition, this could very well be a spyware, no! Those with legitimate product keys are unlikely to have any issues and those using a pirated copy, will simply choose to ignore the update. So the only point in the update is, perhaps, catching those unwitting users who inadvertently install it without thinking!

And so the war continues...

Lunch as usual

As the clock strikes one (must have been quite some time since someone said that in the current digital age), everybody digs into their bags and takes out their lunch boxes. Everyone (all desis) queues up for the 4 microwave ovens. My gang efficiently blocks the biggest table in the canteen in order to accommodate as many of us as it can.

B had got a boxful of chopped raw vegetable munchies... cabbage, cucumber, carrots and all that healthy stuff.

R: What is all this healthy food about?
B: Balanced diet. Health. Vitamins.
R: Vitamins? Drink beer if you want vitamins.
B: This box here is full of vitamin A and C.
R: A bottle of beer is full of the same. Research proves.
B: Carrots have Vitamin A; good for the eyes. Beer is good for a beer belly.
R: How do you know?
B: Have you seen rabbits wearing specs? You have a beer belly, though.
R: But you have specs, don't you?
B: I am not a rabbit.
R: I am a human, I drink beer and I do NOT have specs. Hence, proved that carrots are good for the rabbit's eyes and beer is good for human eyes.

Neat? Yaa!

Viewed on: 17 Feb 08
Viewed at: Home

Mithya
Starring: Ranveer Shorey, Neha Dhupia, Naseeruddin Shah, Vinay Phatak, Harsh Chhaya, Iravati, Saurabh Shukla

Similar movie: Mayor Saab (the dubbed version of a Kamal Hassan southie)

Genre: Comedy Drama (yes 50-50) Gangster

The film is about Ranveer, a struggling actor, whose face resembles that of the underworld don. The don is killed by the scheming Naseeruddin Shah and Saurabh Shukla (writer, too). The actor then replaces the don. All those who shoo-ed him in his days as an actor are now afraid of him and obey his orders. In an accident, he loses his memory. He has been made to believe that he is the don himself and so, considers the don's wife and the family as his own. When the rest of the underworld uncovers the truth about the don, (in addition to the end of the comdey in real life) he is confused about what actually is the truth - being a feared powerful laconic don or being the worthless unnoticed junior artist.


Scenes I remember:

• Ranveer being made to stand in a drum with cement
• Naseeruddin Shah's red sunglasses
• Harsh Chhaya yelling at and hitting the doctor for saying that the don is suffering from amnesia
• The expression on Ranveer's face when he finds no one around and that he can run away from captivity
• The red and blue pockets on Tinu Anand's shirt

Pros:

• Some neat acting.
• No melodrama. No nonsense. Everything has been kept short and slick.
• No songs, except for the Neha Dhupia dance number at the start.

Cons:

• The film does not really make one think - So, what is the reality? Satya vs Mithya.
• The feel of the film is quite forgetful as it is neither dark nor cheery nor gruesome.

Recommended if:

• You liked Waise bhi Hota hai 2
• You liked Ranveer and Vinay in Bheja Fry

Funday

Viewed on: 16 Feb 08
Viewed at: Home

Sunday
Starring: Ayesha Takiya, Ajay Devgan, Arshad Warsi, Irfan Khan

Similar movie: I hear that it has been picked up from some south Indian movie

Genre: Comedy Mystery

The film is about Ayesha Takia, who is a dubbing artist (budding fartist :P ) based in Delhi. She is absent minded to the extent of forgetting things and eventually forgets an entire day in her life. Ajay Devgan plays an inspector who picks up clues to find out what happened on the Sunday that is missing from her memory. Arshad Warsi is a street smart taxi driver-cum-guide. Irfan Khan is a struggling actor and a friend of Arshad's. There is a murder mystery weaved into the narrative, as well.


Scenes I remember:

• Most of Irfan Khan scenes. They are hilarious. I was almost waiting for Irfan to appear on the scene.
• Irfan doing the Deewar style - yeh chaabi ab jeb se nikaalunga. Irfan singing 'Allah Kare'. Irfan singing 'Assalaam Waalekum' in the midst of the goons.
• Ajay Devgan saying "mujhe chu-chaa chu-chaa pasand nahi".
• Arshad Warsi and Ajay Devgan stunts where the strings pulling them are clearly visible.
• The crazy-big-eyes expression by Ayesha Takia which scares the hell out of Irfan and Arshad near a cemetry
• Arshad hits Ajay on the head and the sub-inspector says - dekha kuch nahi hua, yeh hota hai mard... and then Ajay drops down
• Robin Bhatt (screenplay, too) (I think) as the forgetful doctor

Pros:

• Irfan Khan, who maintains a straight face even in the stupidest of the scenes
• Quite pacy
• The mystery has been logically maintained
  
• A movie to be watched with friends or a group who do not mind illogical whackiness

Cons:

• Near the end the director seemed to be confused between the comedy and the mystery element
• Ajay Devgan looks miscast for the mad-caper

Recommended if:

• You liked Golmaal (feat. Ajay Devgan and Arshad Warsi, too)
• You liked Irfan Khan in Metro

My name is Anthony Gonsalves

Viewed on: 10 Feb 08
Viewed at: Home

My Name is Anthony Gonsalves
Starring: Mithun, Amrita Rao, Pavan Malhotra and some new guy

Similar movie: Surya (yea, I had watched that too)

Genre: Bollywood masala

The film is about an orphan with an underworld don for his care-taker. The orphan grows up to be a bar waiter and wants to be a film star. He, however, witnesses a crime committed by the don and is caught between going against his guardian or concentrating on his career in films. His debut film is based on treason of Julius Ceaser and he traces an analogy of the story in the events of his life. Amidst all this, Amrita Rao happens to him for the sake of some songs.

Scenes I remember:

• Priyanka Chopra in the opening dream sequence saying 'Mujhe bilkul pasand nahi jab ladkiyaan tumhare baare mein aisi baatein karti hai'
• Mithun taking off his priest's robes and striking a ninja pose... signaling a goon with the middle finger to make his first move
• Anthony being told 'Tu star nahi ban sakta. tu star kya hero ka friend bhi nahi ban sakta. magar tu ek cheez ban sakta hai'... where Anthony says 'Arre ab bachaa hi kya hai?'

Pros:

• A light hearted paisa vasool time pass of a movie
• Fresh scenes and witty dialogues
• Good acting by the entire cast
• A chirpy feel to the entire proceedings

Cons:

• Songs. None that I can re-collect
• Predictable story line

Recommended if you liked 'Dum'