Conversations

There was an unnatural calm in the cubicle as RK, KB and me were punching through the keyboard. And like little red riding hood, a girl jaunted past us in red track-suit-like garb. Needless to mention here that the big bad wolves in the cubicle got distracted from their work.

Me: lagtaa hai gym se aayi hai seedha.
KB: Gym, hmm. (sigh!)
Me: Hey RK, tu gym gaya tha aaj?
RK: Nahi. 1 week se nahi gaya.
Me: Gym join karke 10 din hi toh huay hai!
RK: (with an unconvincing smirk) Kal jaaunga.
Me: and you, KB?
KB: (amidst roaring laughter) méré toh chaar hazaar hee barbaad huay hai, iské toh gyaarah hazaar doob gayé.

The process

I have been a couch potato today. My TV remote has been praying for a break from the constant punching and the plastic crunching. (Yes, like a true Indian, my remote has not come out of the plastic bag it was packed in.) I watched cartoons, reality shows, movies, news, music videos, cricket highlights and lots of advertisements.

I watched Amar Akbar Anthony and Taken for the I-don't-know-how-many-th time. I have always known what their ends would be. I mean, a family who separates at the beginning of the film has to re-unite before the film ends. The point to be noted my lord is that it is more about the process of reaching the end. In the same vein, I don't care if cricket matches are fixed or not. I am going to still keep watching the game and enjoy the process.

So, COME ONNN SAACHINNNN ... COME ON DHONIiiiii... lights, camera, roll sound, ACTION.

Vaanar sena

... and then there is a group of jokers who add on to the proofs that they have nothing better to do than go on causing destruction because some movie calls their city Bombay instead of Mumbai. Where were they and where was their love for the city when it was attacked by terrorists or when it was flooded with water. The hooliganism shows even in their annual Ganesh festival mandaps where they block roads in the evenings for putting up a stage where crowd assemble waiting for the speech to finish and the cacophonous musical orchestra to start. I have not heard of even one constructive activity that the Shiv Sena has done in the past 5 years.

Mumbai calling

Ahh Mumbai. My place. My people.

The people in Mumbai are an emotional lot. Bollywood and TV ads plays a vital role in everyone's life in Mumbai. There has not been one day when I have not heard someone quote a Bollywood hero/ heroine or an advert slogan.

An uncle pulling out a chocolate from his pocket for a kid would inadvertently back it up with a dhan-ta-dhan (a la Kameeney) while handing it over.

Occassionally at a lunch table in the office, someone would come up with 'tere paas burger hai, tere paas lunch thaali hai. Mere paas kya hai? Mere paas maa hai.' and then opens his home made lunch box.

Of birthdays

It is was the sister's birthday. Every year, I tell her that she shares birthday with Michael Jackson and Dhyanchand. The latter being the great hockey player and captain of the Indian team, who brought gold medal and pride to the nation. While even Google paid homage to the pop star today, I wonder there was any mention of the hockey player on the 24 hour news channels in India. But that is a different debate left to the purists.

Breaking news

I was in Mumbai till the 25th and joined work in London on Wednesday. I had got sweets and savouries from Mumbai for my friends on London. When everyone asked me how the vacation was I glowed up recalling my days in the bright day light of Colaba causeway, Churchgate station, VT station, Bandra, Andheri and the various theatres. I was all recharged and telling everyone that Mumbai is the best city in the world. The day whizzed past as the after taste of my short vacation in Mumbai was still lingering.

Ironically, when I went back home that evening the news channels were show casing the audacity of the terrorists who had entered and ruined my favourite place. Nothing can undo or make up for what they have done. The effects of the attacks will stay in the memories of the world for a long time. Mumbai will soon be considered one of the most dangerous places in the world. There will be a constant fear attached to the name of my city.

This will all be followed by the usual politics and blame games. Pakistan will incorrigibly deny any part in the attacks. The ISI will diplomatically deny any links. The local politicians will try to gain mileage at the cost of Indian tax payers' money. An enquiry commission will be duly setup that will take months to come up with any useful conclusion. There will be a lot published in newspapers, magazines, blogs and even, movies. The news channels, who had been foolishly disclosing all the army tactics during the attacks, will continue with the 'breaking news'. Group discussions will continue highlighting the stoic spirit of the city. Soon all this will fade away and everything will be forgotten.

Sigh.

I hope that these attacks have shaken the Mumbaikars enough to make them take things in their own hands and elect the right people this time. We need leaders who can take responsibility and lead from the front. The city that provides the most income taxes deserves at least a sense of security in their homes. The financial capital that boasts of a sea of educated thinking minds is capable of calling it the shots. Like Shobha De said - Enough is enough.

Like Akbar Birbal stories

I have opened my 'notepad' (yeah, that is my favorite editor) about 4 times before, but gave into the temptation playing a stupid powerpoint game called - Bubbles. Blame it on bubbles for not having blogged about:

1. background dancers

2. potty snippets from school

3. a hindi movie

4. autograph from Alan 'Watchmen' Moore

Leave them aside for some other time. (Thats what I have been saying about my gym since the last 2 months). The season is changing and it is getting colder by the day. I cannot cycle without the gloves on. The sun will soon be a rare sight. The trees have already started shedding as if trying to symbolise the financial crisis of the world economy. Retailers are trying various discounts and price cuts to bring back the money flow in the market. 

There are the usual BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free) offers. Retailers are giving out loyalty points in abundance. A well known retailer has been selling alcohol at a very low price. One of the local councils sued the retailer for selling alcohol that is cheaper than water. The council's argument was that cheap liqour encourages binge drinking. The retailer has enough money to hire the smart brains in the market. It sued the council for water being costlier than alcohol. The council withdrew the case and they all binged heavily ever after.

Random sketch

This was a random sketch based on a guy I noticed changing clothes on the train. The clean shaved head and the creamish-orange tikka on the forehead possibly meant that he was part of the ISKON - 'Hare Rama, Hare Krsna' organisation.

He just dropped his pants and held the lower end of the short kurta between his teeth. He unfolded a length of white cotton cloth and wrapped it around like a lungi. The entire changeover was completed in a couple of minutes. He then turned around with a wide smile and packed his things back into his shoulder bag.

By the way, that writing in pen is that of a manager who could not find anything else to scribble his instructions on. How could he! Hare Ram, Hare Ram.

Shantaram

If books are a man's best friend, Guptaji is responsible for arranging my meetings with most of them. He has a large wooden plank balancing over a square wooden crate. One cannot miss this twenty-something round guy while he screams throughout the day outside the Andheri station, standing over his stack of pirated copies of books. A rather soiled handkerchief hangs from his neck, which he occasionally uses to dust his ware. The frequent cutting-chai breaks give him the energy that he requires to shout the usual 'LaaT (lot) hai! Sale hai!', 'Jeffrey hai, Archer hai, Sidney hai, Sale-done hai!'

I used to visit him on Saturday evenings and he would welcome me with a smile. Of late, I just had to go up to him and he would state his recommendations. Surprisingly, he even knew the contents of the books.

'Yeh loh saab, iss mein ek Afghani dost ka ishtory hai, jo uska hi... nahi nahi apun suspence nahi kholega. Iska picture banega dekhna' ... and he told me that even before imdb.com had an entry for 'The Kite Runner'.
'Iska start Indian call centre se hi hota hai. U.S. ki toh phatli hai abhi apne se' ... that was his conclusive analysis of 'The World is Flat'.
'Mama ke paas naya Tintin aaya hai' ... by naya he meant a second copy at a vendor across the street, because he knew that I was collecting Tintin and I could not afford the first hand collection from the Shopper's Stop next door.

Guptaji recommended 'Shantaram' to me more than 2 years back. My first reaction to the width of the book was - 'Abbe kitna badaa hai, sote sote chhaati par reh gaya toh uth nahi paaunga'. His tobacco stained toothy laughter lasted for 5 minutes under his sparse moustache.

He used tell that Sunday evening were the busiest because the Sunday papers carry reviews of the latest books and that boosts the public ka demand. So he would have the book review pages from 'Times of India' and 'Indian Express' under his cash deposit tin box.

I have finally picked up Shantaram and the first few pages remind me of the dusty and humid streets to Andheri station. In fact, that is what makes me want to read the next pages. Hmmm nostalgia!

Phunny language

The railway minister - Laloo Prasad Yadav, the villain in Tashan - Lakhan Singh and the don in One Two Three - Papa... what do they all have in common? They are all the leaders who have struggled with english. (And yes, I have watched Tashan as well as One Two Three. Start to end.)

Microsoft has been successfully selling the Chinese version of the Operating System many years before someone started creating a Hindi version. A couple of years back, a school topper was denied admission into a school because her English was not up to the mark. I have watched her speak on NDTV and she definitely spoke a better version of the 'phunny language' than some of the professors. In India, the fascination for the English language prevails.

Random strings

This is just a string of random, but inter-related, thoughts that made their way in and out of the varied grey dunes of the brain...

A young gum chewing smartie was arguing with an intently listening aged man in the bus. The younger one was saying that there is nothing left for the new generation to invent because everything that could have been invented is already out there. So, the younger generation can just stay laid back and not do anything at all. The experienced man countered this by saying that if every generation thought like that there would never had been the airplane or sliced bread or the chewing gum or even orange juice. Somebody out there tried squeezing out the juice of the orange and figured out that it was tasty. What about cow juice? Some guy must have thought one morning that I should squeeze those things under the cow's belly and drink whatever comes out of it. The accidental success would have got everyone around to try the same with different things. Someone might have rubbished the claim stating that his bull could squeeze out only a cupful and it did not taste good. Or worse, someone might have got killed when the elephant sat down on him/ her during the trial. Who knows! I know a nerd who could spoil the fun by giving me a logical repartee saying that the cow's milk was invented by the calf sucking on it mother's udder.

So what could be possible inventions? My shot to some possibilities...

• A wall that can change its colour or its scene like a desktop wallpaper... a big digital photoframe?
• A device that stores all the energy created by the rotating wheels of a car and then use it to fuel the car itself... after all isn't water used to rotate the turbines, which in turn convert mechanical energy to electricity?
• An optical lens that automatically changes its refractive index depending on the vision of the user... how does auto-focus in a digital camera work?
• An inoculation for common cold
• A formal shoe that does not crease in 2 days... at my last visit to a shoe shop, the salesman was selling me dryme leather shoes that look the same throughout its life; mainly because they look old when they are new.
• A small locket that acts as a translator and transmits the wearer's speech into a pre-set language... a speech to text converter > language translation tool > text to speech converter?
• A theatre that allows the viewer to select the actors on-the-fly while buying the tickets to the movie... when they can make Beowulf, why not!

Yea, why not?!

Moviethon 2

Are you confused between which copy of the movie to be downloaded when there are multiple versions available? There is a plethora of sites that provide
movie files or torrent files. Some of the sites are religiously documented and some are very stingily detailed. You are in luck in the case of the former, however all is not lost if you are dealing with the latter.

I normally expect the movie file to satisfy the following criteria:

• Acceptable audio language or subtitles - If it is an english movie, the audio language better be english and not the dubbed version. However, if it is Chinese, it better be an English dubbed version or the one with proper english sub-titles. If this has not been specified anywhere, I normally do not start the download.
• Good video quality - It is no fun watching the movie where everything seems to have shot in the dark or if only half the screen is shown. This has been detailed in the paragraph that follows.
• No lag between the audio and video - One of the more frustrating features of a free movie would be to see one thing and hear something else. Imagine the audio saying - "What is this?" while the visual is showing hero's pelvic thrusts!
• Decent number of seeders - applicable if it is a torrent.
• File size less than 800 Mb - If you are downloading a file directly, file size is shown as part of the 'Downloading' window. If this is a torrent, file size would be a part of the general information tab in the BitTorrent client. This is partly because I run out of space very frequently and mostly because the size packs in enough clarity for the laptop theatre.

If the file is available on a forum, scroll through the thread to check if someone else has left a comment regarding the quality of the movie or if there is a sample screenshot provided. Some of them even provide a few minutes of the video for sampling the audio and the video quality... on the lines of the
customary - aaoo, dekho, parkho, phir khareedo... except that it is free. If nothing else eases the confusion, the name of the movie file or the torrent file should give a few hints. Most of the times, the file name provides clues to determine the type of video, the language of the movie and even links to the source. Most of the movies that I have watched have been of the following types:

Type	aka	Description
Cam rip	CAM	Made by sneaking a digital camcorder into a theater and taping the movie. Usually poor quality of video with people walking in front of the camera, shaking, poor resolution and contrast. Since, the audio source is the microphone of the camcorder, it includes voices of the audience. This is the best you can get if you want to experience movie watching the Indian way where the audience gets involved in the movie. I still remember the whistles, the excitement and the aarti in the 'Sivaji' cam rip.
Telesync	TS	Made mostly using the same method as the above; extra efforts go into ensuring that the audio quality is better. The audio is recorded using a direct link with the theatre's audio system or using a hearing aid for the deaf.
Screener	SCR, DVDSCR	Made by ripping from a DVD or a video tape that is sent to the reviewers. The original DVD or video tapes are not meant for sale and are not of the best possible quality as they are not a direct source of income to the promoter. These copies have messages at the bottom like 'This is promotional copy' that flash intermittently. There could also be less content and some black and white scenes.
DVD rip	DVD, DVDR	Made using a ripping software from a retail DVD. The seeding of such a torrent is quite high when a DVD rip is released. Most times they do not include the extra scenes or footage or interviews that accompany a DVD. If the file includes multiple subtitles or multi-region support, the size of the file tends to be more than a Gb... sometimes evern 5 Gb.
HDTV rip	HDTV, DSR, TVRip, PDTV, DVBRip	Made by recording using a TV card or from a digital satellite or an analog capture card. This is the method used for providing famous TV serials like American Idol or Nach Baliye. The quality is quite high due to the availability of DVD quality digital signal. This is similar to the live TV streaming that one gets to view online.

Stumped vision

They have got it all wrong... the allegations, the man of the match, the principle of host, and even the reasons.

During the Indian cricket tour of Australia, Bhajji has been charged with racism because of something that he said to the Australian cricketer, Symonds. The turbanator has been repeatedly telling that he did not call Symonds a 'monkey'. Someone raised a doubt about the allegation saying - How did the aussies understand what Harbhajan said when he himself does not understand his english? And the point was not fully wrong because the latest is that in fact, Bhajji had said 'Maa Ki...' as an apt reply to the instigation from the Aussies.
Reports poured in about the cancellation of the tour as the visitors threatened to go back home. Of course, it is not fair that you call someone home to play a game and then not let him/ her win. Even if the host has to win, it should not be done with such a thrashing. One can learn about being a good host from the Indians. When there is an international match in India against the weakest of the teams, they ensure that the visitors do not leave disappointed. Afterall, Indians believe that guests are a form of God.

The credit for maintaining the winning streak goes to the ever-ready finger of the on man. The man of the match in the second test was, undoubtedly, Steve Bucknor. He is the fearsome Ninja who is turning blind with age and so relies on his ears for the crucial decisions. His sharp hearing powers help distinguish the level of intensity and drama in the appeal of the fielders. It is not his fault that the Indians do not put in enough emotions and volume in their appeals like the Australians do by walking fearsomely close to him!

But wait, not everything went wrong for the Indians. The test matches have separated the men from the boys. It has highlighted the genius of the stalwarts like Sachin, Laxman, Saurav and Rahul, who have persisted through the tough batting conditions. When Rahul was young, he used to take his OWN bat and ball to the cricket ground and inspite of that, his friends used to make him field all day... no batting! To the frustration of the opposition, he now makes everyone field while he makes up for all the batting that he missed in the younger days. He enjoyed his batting at the crease for 40 balls before he finally ran to score the first run. Batting vasool, boss.

The tour is only getting more entertaining by the day and they ask me the reason for staying glued to the match!

Starry eyed

Damn it, they have come up with one more of those songs. As if the cold and the chill are not enough. Damn it.

First it was 'Yeh jo des hai tera' from 'Swades' and now, 'Maa' from 'Taare Zameen Par'. Both of them start with a slow pace almost lulling pace. Both of them have great lyrics. And both of them make me want to cry... 'cos both of them make me miss MY home and MY mom and MY family. These songs brew up into the perfect concoction for home-sickness.
Maa/ Mother
Yu toh main batlaata nahi, / I do not ever mention it,
Par Andheray se darta hu main, maa./ But, I m afraid of the dark, mom.
Yu toh main dikhlaata nahi,/ I do not ever show it,
Teri parwaah karta hu main, maa./ But, I care a lot about you, mom.
Tujhe sab hai pataa, hai naa, maa?/ You know everything, mom, don't you?
Tujhe sab hai pataa, meri maa./ You know everything... O my mom.

Bheed mein yu naa chhodo mujhe,/ Don't leave me like this in the crowd,
Ghar laut ke bhi naa aanaa paaoo, maa./ I won't be able to reach home, mom.
Bhej na itna durr mujhko tu,/ Don't send me so far,
Yaad bhi tujhko aanaa paaoo, maa./ That you won't even remember me, mom.
Kya itna bura hu main, maa?/ Am I that bad, mom?
Kya itna bura ... meri maa?/ Am I really that bad... O my mom?

Christmas Leftover

It could be some kid's savings over the year or it could be a poor mother's present to her child. Who knows? But there must be a way to know.

I was already loaded with a lot of bags on my way home. The Christmas frenzy and the cold chill and the need to visit the toilet was all adding to the sense of urgency to reach home. The bus was empty. No one other than the driver and me. When I got up for the last stop, I made sure that I picked up all the bags that were with me. I had realised that there was a bag which was different. It wasn't mine. Did not know if it should be picked up or not. Now, I feel that I should have left it for the authorities.

When I came home, I found that the mystery bag had a camera in it. The enclosed bill proved that it was quite expensive. The cash payment meant that the owner cannot be traced via the credit card information from the store. The transportation website was discouraging enough in the lost and found department. There was an instant loss of ideas of what to do next. I just made a few inquiries with friends and they suggested that the package should be considered Santa's gift or that the package is asking for a post on eBay.

It would be difficult for me to trace the owner, but it should be so easy if the transport system can help. There are CCTV cameras in all the buses. All they have to is check who was sitting on that seat before me. Then determine where that person got into the bus. Then just find out his personal details from the transport card that the person swiped at the entry. Of course, all this would fall apart if that person's details were incorrect or not available in the records at all. However, if the owner were to do the same for tracing me, he would certainly be united with his package.

Until then, the packet stays with me safe.

Hair care

When I first visited the land of hard water, it did not take me long to realise that everytime I wash my head, I lose a lot of hair. It did not take me long to realise either that it was not snow fall in winter; it was just the dandruff from my hair. So, I tried a few things that almost worked.


Some of things that worked for dandruff were:
1. Applying coconut oil on a Friday night and then washing it off in the morning. Almost no dandruff till Tuesday.
2. Elvive anti-dandruff shampoo. (I got this one as a set of 2 complimentary sachets from the local gym. It lasted for 4 washes, during which I missed the snowfall for 4 days)

However, both these only worsened hairfall. Until recently (my recent is about a month and half old now and there is still hair on my scalp), my wife suggested this:

• Applying warm coconut oil to the scalp.
• Combing out the hair.
• Washing the hair with Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo in lukewarm water first.
• followed by rinsing it in cold water. (I have not tried this with the ice cold water for fear of the obvious).

The dandruff and the hairfall has reduced significantly. The hair remains dandruff free for almost a week. I will continue this for a few more months and update this blog.

Of course, the above just worked for me and might not be applicable for everyone. Besides, I do not have a quantitative proof of the weight of dandruff or hairfall before and after each of the tries. (As if I would do it for even a 1000 pounds). (Maybe I would for 10000 pounds :P)

Blog

It all started when Arvind came to my desk during his coffee break. That does not mean that I sit in the canteen or my desk is a coffee table! He mentioned that all the possible names have already been taken up on blogspot.com. So, I tried a few names right away and indeed almost all my tries on blogspot ended up with the blog name already existing. And I was trying names like fireexit, CtrlAltDel, Logout, Password, banjo, masalachai, gandu, HakunaMatata! Is the whole world blogging? There must be so much of recorded digital data out there – personal diaries, cooking recipes, amateur poetry, show of arts, family photos, innovative tutorials, technical articles, cribbing outbursts, political bashing, ugly confessions and what not. Just think about it and there is a blog for it! There must quite a detailed description about blog on sites like wikipedia, so I need not re-invent the wheel here.

Ketan joined in saying that blogs are a source of earning money if it is really famous. There were suggestions to have the first article something like interview with Osama bin Laden in the crowded train compartment of Indian railways. Whose father what goes? (literal translation of ‘kiske baap ka kya jaata hai?’) The suggestion had to be turned down due to risk to life. A better way to attract eye balls would be an interview with a celebrity like Shilpa Shetty. But, why would she (for that matter, why would any known celebrity) give an interview to a first time blogger? In that case, why not just publish a fictional interview with Shilpa Shetty. Who is going to check whether everything that is printed was actually said by her? By the way, Shilpa Shetty’s biography is available in Poundland!

So coming back to the topic for a blog… there is no specific topic in mind. But there is so much happening around… so much humour and so much random unrelated stupidity… lets have a blog, I say. Why not? One more drop to the existing sea of blog bytes being. Like the Big B would have said – Hum Kahaan chalo hamau blog likh aaaye